They attract boundary testers. If you’ve survived narcissistic abuse, your old programming might have trained you to be extra flexible, like emotional yoga. But here’s the catch: people who push limits can sense when someone doesn’t know how to say no. According to psychotherapist Terry Cole, author of Boundary Boss, disordered givers attract disordered takers. Your silence has become a magnet for people who love to test the waters. Even if your friends mean well, they might take too much if you don’t set clear boundaries. The problem isn’t your niceness; it’s that you forgot you’re allowed to take up space too. You’re allowed to say, “This doesn’t work for me,” without a ten-minute apology. You’re allowed to be kind and have limits, and the right people won’t only accept your boundaries but also appreciate them.
They were punished for having needs. Since when did having needs become a crime? That’s probably a question your inner voice has whispered more times than you can count. Basic needs like space, support, or just being heard felt like demands to the narcissist. You learned that speaking up came with punishment: silent treatment, guilt trips, or emotional backlash. Over time, your brain linked having needs with danger. But here’s the truth: setting boundaries isn’t being mean; it’s being mentally healthy. So don’t confuse people-pleasing with kindness—one empties you, the other fills both sides.
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