When dealing with a narcissist, trying to make them jealous may seem like a clever idea to gain their attention or shift the dynamic in your favor. You might think, “If they see what they’re missing, they will value me more.” It feels like a small, harmless move to nudge them into noticing your worth. But let me be very clear—this strategy will never work. Narcissists do not respond to jealousy the way emotionally healthy people do. Instead of realizing your value, they twist it into something entirely different. Let’s explore why this strategy not only fails but also backfires, both when you’re still in the relationship and after it’s over.
While You’re Still in the Relationship
When you’re still with the narcissist but feel invisible, unappreciated, or undervalued, you might think, “Oh, if they see me with others, if they think I’m desirable to someone else, maybe they’ll step up.” So you test the waters. You casually mention a colleague at work who always compliments you or bring up how an old friend reached out to you. No, you’re not outright flirting—you’re just dropping hints to see if it sparks anything in them.
But here’s what happens: instead of showing interest or stepping up, the narcissist twists your words into something entirely different. They may accuse you of being disloyal or make you feel guilty for even entertaining the idea of someone else’s attention. If they are particularly manipulative, they’ll turn it into a full-blown argument, saying things like, “Why would you even tell me that? Are you trying to make me jealous?”
Suddenly, the focus isn’t on their lack of effort—it’s on your supposed wrongdoing. And let’s not forget how they weaponize this against you later. That innocent comment about your colleague might resurface weeks or months later in an argument, with them saying, “You’re probably thinking about your little work friend right now, aren’t you?”
Instead of getting the attention or validation you were hoping for, you’re left feeling attacked and even more disconnected.
After the Discard
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