God forbid if you dare to point this hidden grandiosity out. If you say, “Hey, you are kind of putting her down to make yourself look better. What’s going on?” You will be met with the classic covert narcissist defense: “Me? No, no, you’ve got it all wrong! I’m the most down-to-earth person I know. I never judge anyone; I was just sharing.” There is a second layer to the trap: their humility itself becomes another form of grandiosity. They don’t just brag about their actions; they brag about how humble they are for not bragging.
When covert narcissists virtue signal, they also use emotional hooks. They won’t just present themselves as good; they will subtly pull on your emotions to make you feel grateful, guilty, or lesser, without you knowing where those feelings are coming from. For instance, they may say, “You know, not everyone would have been there at 2:00 a.m. when your mom was in the hospital, but for me, there was no question: family comes first, always, even if it meant missing my most important meetings the next day.” It sounds so sweet, right? But if you peel back the words, they’re reminding you of their sacrifice, positioning themselves as superior in loyalty and love, and setting an invisible debt you now owe them.
This is how they hook you—by emotionally indebting you to their manufactured goodness. Why does this work so well? Because it bypasses your logical filters. If someone said, “Hey, I’m better than you,” you would immediately resist, wouldn’t you? But if someone casually implies it while appearing selfless, your brain cannot find anything to fight against. You do not feel attacked; you do not feel put down; you do not feel manipulated. You feel grateful, admiring, and slowly loyal, without realizing it. You start trusting them more, defending them more, and elevating them in your mind as some rare soul who is different from the rest. But are they?
Continue reading on the next page
Sharing is caring!
