Imagine a little girl with a narcissistic parent. For some of you, this won’t take much imagination. Let’s say this child is about four years old, enjoying an ice cream sundae, when her parent asks, “Hey, can I have some?” The child says no. Instead of using this as a teachable moment, the narcissistic parent makes the child feel like there’s something wrong with her for being “selfish.” The child internalizes this as a flaw in her character.
Moments like these, especially when they happen consistently, teach the child to disown parts of herself, labeling them as shameful. She might grow up to become a people-pleaser, valuing other people’s needs above her own because she was taught that selfishness is shameful. And because of this, she might also struggle with setting boundaries, having learned that what’s hers isn’t truly hers.
The things we put in the shadow are often aspects we’ve been taught to see as wrong or shameful. As a result, we judge ourselves for having them, and we get triggered when we see them in others. If that little girl grew up to suppress her perceived selfishness, she would likely be triggered when she encounters someone who is overtly selfish, like a narcissist.
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