Why would anyone do this? Shame is a big part of the answer. You’re probably starting to see why this is so relevant to narcissism, which is very much a shame-based disorder. We’ll circle back to the narcissist’s Shadow Self in a moment, but first, let’s talk about how different you might be from the narcissist.
You may have heard that narcissists and codependents (or empaths, depending on how you look at it) are opposite sides of the same coin. You may have also heard narcissism described as a spectrum, with extreme narcissism on one end and extreme codependency on the other. We see these two extremes as polar opposites for good reason.
One extreme has empathy in excess; the other has none. One values kindness and compassion; the other sees these traits as weaknesses. One will hurt themselves to avoid hurting others, while the other will hurt others to avoid hurting themselves. I think you get the picture. And remember, this is a spectrum—people can exist at varying degrees between these extremes. It’s not an all-or-nothing situation.
Now, back to the shadow. If this is your first time hearing about Carl Jung’s model of the psyche or Shadow work, you might think only narcissists have a shadow, and they hate you because of this shame-based shadow. But that’s only partially true.
The truth is, we all have a shadow side. Yes, the narcissist’s shadow is a big reason for their hatred, but it’s not just them. Now, let’s flip the coin and look at how a personality trait might end up in the shadow of someone who is codependent.
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