Let’s examine how this destroys the mind of the aging male narcissist first, and then we will discuss the female narcissist. For the male somatic narcissist, who is obsessed with his image, vitality, physique, and the way he is perceived by you and others, his ability to perform—his erection, stamina, and capacity to conquer women or anyone else, as I mentioned, regarding his “whatever” sexual identity—is everything. This was the instrument he used to prove he existed, to show that everyone was obsessed with him, dreaming about him 24/7. It was how he controlled the dynamic in the relationship. If he could satisfy you or anyone else, he owned you. He felt the thrill and power that came from fooling you while simultaneously making you feel that it was the best sexual experience ever. That was his logic. But as he ages, the machinery inevitably starts to fail. Biology kicks in. Erectile dysfunction occurs, and testosterone levels drop. The instrument of power becomes broken.
Now, I want you to pause and think about how a healthy, secure man handles this. A healthy, secure man may feel insecure, sure, but he talks to his partner, goes to a doctor, finds other ways to be intimate, and uses his heart, not just his body. But a narcissist cannot do that, can he? He cannot be vulnerable. He cannot say, “I’m scared, or I’m struggling.” Because in his mind, admitting weakness is the same as admitting defeat. So what does he do with this burning shame? He weaponizes it. He takes all that self-hatred and projects it onto you. If he cannot perform, he does not say, “I have a medical issue.” Instead, he looks at you with a sneer and says, “You are not attractive anymore. You look ugly. You have gained weight. Oh, you look old.” He tells you that you have let yourself go, that you are boring in bed, and he claims that he needs variety to feel excited. This is why many of these narcissists may openly suggest that you sleep around with other men or people alike. Then they frame it as, “Oh, I’m open to such experiences. I’m an open-minded guy. It may spice up our life. If I see you in the act with another man, it will excite me.” But nobody does this; it feels like a violation. Why wouldn’t it? It’s your own partner telling you to do things that you never signed up for. It was never part of the emotional contract. So, when you say no to it, they gaslight you into thinking, “See, you’re not putting in any effort. It’s all because of you.” From that point onward, he attacks everything: your weight, your age, your clothing choices. He creates a narrative where you are the problem, forcing you to spend all your time crying, dieting, and fixing yourself. Why? Because as long as you are focused on the imaginary flaws he has implanted in your mind—flaws that do not exist—you won’t notice the real ones, right? He would rather destroy your self-esteem than admit his own power is gone. He would rather you believe that you are repulsive than for you to realize that he is dysfunctional.
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