The trauma of surviving a narcissistic relationship can be so profound that it triggers extreme coping mechanisms in survivors. It can alter their personality, leading them to behave in ways that may not align with their core identity. For example, you might become an obsessive cleaner, scrubbing dishes for hours until every speck of dirt is removed. You may find yourself organizing and reorganizing your surroundings repeatedly. Nothing seems to tire you, and you may go through your belongings to determine what needs to be discarded, seeking space and emptiness.
So, what is the real reason behind this behavior? There is so much clutter in your mind, filled with unresolved emotions. You are grappling with intense, prolonged grief that doesn’t simply fade away. There is depression, sadness, anger, and a deep sense of loss, yet you might not even know what you have lost. Others may tell you, “Come on, you should move on. You didn’t lose anything; that person never truly existed.” However, deep down, you feel like your life has been turned upside down, and understandably so. You had zero control over anything during your time with that narcissist—no control over your emotions, thoughts, or feelings. Everything you experienced was dictated by them.
Through gaslighting, they brainwashed you into believing you weren’t feeling the right emotions or seeing things correctly. This led to a profound distrust in yourself and your intuition, resulting in an absolute lack of control. It can feel like walking on thin glass, where you might fall at any moment—a continuous fall with no end in sight, unable to hold on to anything.
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