This dynamic forces you into a deeply inauthentic space, saying things that are frankly untrue, but you may say them out of guilt or pity. Perhaps, as a child, you said them out of fear, wanting your parent to know you loved them, worried they would go silent on you if you didn’t reassure them. This reassurance pattern can become automatic in these relationships, not because of the fear you’d feel in a malignant narcissistic relationship, but because you feel bad.
Vulnerable narcissists are complicated because it’s not unusual for them to have other psychiatric or psychological issues, such as depressed moods or significant anxiety. They may even have complex histories of trauma, neglect, or other difficult experiences. Vulnerable narcissists lack the glib, charismatic arrogance often seen in grandiose narcissists. Instead, they come across as interpersonally unskilled. While grandiose narcissists can get their supply through exaggerating or lying about their achievements, flirting, posting nonsense on social media, or pursuing fame or notoriety, vulnerable narcissists engage in reassurance-seeking. That reassurance-seeking, however, can devolve into manipulation. To get their supply of someone telling them “I like you” or “You’re fine,” the vulnerable narcissist will position themselves as a victim, making accusations like, “You don’t like me.” This puts the other person on the defensive and gets the vulnerable narcissist the answer they want.
Over time, the people around the vulnerable narcissist feel a complex mix of emotions, including resentment, pity, and exhaustion. They certainly don’t enjoy spending time with them, which the vulnerable narcissist picks up on, fueling the cycle. Most people say getting out of any relationship with a narcissist is hard, but getting out of a relationship with a vulnerable narcissist is especially difficult because the kindest parts of you may find it hard to let go. Frankly, a narcissistic relationship isn’t the place to speak your truth—it’s pointless and only stokes dysfunction.
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