But as an empathic person, you don’t want to say something hurtful to them because it’s not nice and, again, hurtful. So you might fall down the rabbit hole of reassurance: “Of course, I like you, I love you.” You might even go a step further, especially if this is a parent, and say, “Oh my gosh, no, you’re great!” You might even apologize, saying things like, “I’m so sorry I don’t show it more. It’s me. I have an avoidant attachment style, and I don’t always show my appreciation.”
A couple of things happen as a result. The vulnerable narcissist is rewarded for their manipulative, victimized banter. It also plays on your empathy. Whether it’s due to trauma bonding or just your natural kindness, you end up reassuring them with “No, no, it’s me, not you.” And then, you’ll find yourself apologizing, feeling ashamed, frustrated, and angry, while they have been rewarded for this behavior. And because they’ve been rewarded, they will do it again.
Grandiose narcissists, in a way, are more transparent. They’ll say things like, “Aren’t I amazing?” or “Come on, tell me how great I am.” They are happy to put things on social media to get validation, admiration, or cause envy in others. They’re very good at tooting their own horn. Malignant narcissists get their validation by knowing that people are a little scared of them and fall in line just to avoid their wrath. Vulnerable narcissists, however, get their supply through passive-aggressive manipulation. Ultimately, you find yourself telling them that they’re great or wonderful, or reassuring them that you want to be with them.
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