When it comes to discussing boundaries, I have a love-hate relationship with the topic. On one hand, boundaries are essential in maintaining healthy relationships, but on the other hand, they are often oversimplified or misused, especially when it comes to narcissistic relationships. We’ve all seen the quick, blog-style advice: “If you have a toxic family member or someone narcissistic in your life, just set boundaries.”
If only it were that simple.
Sure, setting boundaries sounds like a reasonable solution, but let’s be honest—many people in narcissistic relationships have already tried to set boundaries hundreds, maybe even thousands of times. And the results? Most likely, they didn’t work. And that’s because narcissistic individuals do not respect boundaries. What’s often referred to as “setting boundaries” is, in reality, an exercise in frustration, gaslighting, and, ultimately, more harm.
The Myth of Boundaries with Narcissists
The advice around boundaries can often feel dismissive and hurtful. “Oh, you’re in a dysfunctional relationship? Well, you know what you need to do—you just need to set boundaries.” Not only are you being harmed by the narcissistic person, but now you’re also being told that it’s your fault and that it’s your responsibility to use a tool that is almost guaranteed not to work. And when it doesn’t work, the blame is placed on you: “You didn’t set boundaries properly.”
The reality is, narcissistic individuals are not interested in your boundaries unless it serves their needs. So when you try to set a boundary, they either ignore it or twist it to suit their agenda, later telling you that you never communicated your needs in the first place.
Boundaries Work in Healthy Relationships
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