Narcissists don’t lie the way most people do. They lie as a survival strategy. They lie up to three times every ten minutes — that’s eighteen lies an hour, hundreds of lies a day. When you’re dealing with someone who lies at that level, it’s so disorienting that eventually you start questioning yourself instead of the lie. That is very dangerous.
Why they lie
Before we get to the questions, we first need to understand the driving force behind their deception. Imagine you’re in a life-or-death situation: you’re a suspect being interrogated by someone dangerous, and if you tell the truth, you’re finished. If you lie convincingly enough, you might survive. In that situation, lying isn’t really about morality; it’s about self-preservation.
That’s the mindset you’re dealing with when you’re dealing with a narcissist. For a narcissist, the threat isn’t to their physical life but to something they experience just as critically: their self-image. When that image is threatened, their nervous system reacts as if their survival is on the line. So they lie.
To understand this, think like a detective at a crime scene. When a suspect is trying to save themselves, the first thing they rely on is a story — a version of events that explains who they are and why they can’t be at fault. The story functions as an alibi. A narcissist’s self-image works the same way. It’s a carefully constructed narrative about who they are: polished, controlled, and designed to hold up under questioning. As long as that narrative isn’t examined too closely, they feel safe.
Narcissists lie for three main reasons, all tied to self-preservation. First, to provide an alibi: they need a story that protects them from blame, accountability, or being seen clearly. Second, to secure your time, attention, and energy: your reactions keep the story supported — attention, sympathy, anger, reassurance — all of it helps them maintain the narrative. Third, to avoid exposing their true nature: the story exists to keep you focused on what they’re saying instead of what’s actually behind it. For a narcissist, keeping this narrative intact is psychological survival; their identity depends on it. If the story collapses, they feel exposed and unsafe. That’s why they’ll say anything, no matter how untrue, to protect, reinforce, and defend their version of events.
If you’re listening to this and realizing you’ve heard something like this before, I put together a quick narcissist-protection checklist to help you assess the level of risk you’re dealing with. The link is in the description.
Phase 1 — Debunk the alibi
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