But it’s not easy. It sounds easy, but it’s not. This needs a strategy. What strategy am I talking about? The strategy includes documentation. You need to document everything. I’m not trying to be vague; I will tell you what you need to document. You need to document the negatives as well as the positives. Let’s say you are involved in a custody situation, and you have to show everybody who they are. They have a lot to say; you have a lot to show. You will start documenting every negative conversation, everything that reveals their true self, and you will also document the positives—all the nice things you do for your children, every single way you are involved in their life, and so on—proving that you’re not the type of parent they will make you seem to be before the judge and the jury. That is a combination of positive and negative documentation.
What will that lead to? Exposure. But you don’t have to reveal it all. You have to slowly, slowly put your cards on the table and see how they react to it. We have to wait for them to become really anxious until their impulsive nature comes into the picture, and that impulsivity just makes them do something that shows everybody who you are dealing with. I gave you an example already: they might rage, they might send you a nasty letter, they might try to harm your car or kids. They might do something risky, and that is what you will have to stay prepared for. But that is what we want: one slip, one more slip of the mask, and out comes the monster. This is how you can make them expose themselves.
Before you use the documentation and everything else, before you fight them externally, you have to fight them internally. That is the main battlefield. How? By staying in touch with your nervous system. I and other people always suggest to be calm, but what they do not talk about is how being calm is not that easy. You get dysregulated unconsciously. It’s an unconscious process. Your body and brain react to the situation almost automatically, and that’s why you have to be conscious of what’s going on in your body at all times. If you are clenching your jaw, tightening up your body, how are you feeling, and what are you doing with those feelings that come up? Because they will try to trigger you, and you have to maintain a flat face with no reaction whatsoever. Either focus on your breathing patterns until they relax a little bit and become rhythmical, or focus on your blink response. Focus on 14 to 20 blinks as your emotions die off a little bit because we want to give it some space before you say something that will increase the possibility of them going against their own nature, which is to appear as a pleasant person.
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