So, how do you know if you’re in a conversation with someone genuinely trying to build rapport, or if someone is using these rapport cues against you? This might be subtle or hard to notice initially, especially if you’re not used to checking in with yourself during conversations. People who find themselves in manipulative relationships or surrounded by manipulators often focus more on others than on themselves. To become unmanipulatable, you must intentionally check in with yourself before focusing on others.
In a conversation where someone genuinely wants to build rapport, there will be a give-and-take. There will be reciprocity; it will feel more balanced. For example, you might talk, and then they might respond, and then they might talk, while you smile and raise your eyebrows. It won’t feel extractive, and you won’t feel as if you are performing or doing anything for them.
However, when someone is using your inherent desire to connect against you, you will first notice an internal pressure building within you. Pressure to continue nodding, to keep smiling, or to keep raising your eyebrows. If you’re honest with yourself, you might start to feel a bit stuck or even trapped. When dealing with a narcissist or any type of manipulator, you will likely sense an unspoken requirement to keep doing something—nodding a little more, smiling a little more, leaning in a little closer, or raising your eyebrows again to show them that you’re still engaged. If you don’t do it automatically, something changes. They may talk faster, move closer, touch your arm, or intensify their own rapport-building cues to pull you back in.
What you start to feel is the burden of having to perform, act, or pretend. There’s a sense that you are responsible for keeping the interaction comfortable, that you need to keep signaling approval, and that if you stop, you will be deemed rude. That feeling—the pressure to continuously nod, smile, lean in—becomes the tell. That’s the setup. The moment you feel like a bad person for not wanting to go along, they have successfully manipulated you.
Cue #1
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