It’s vital to understand what the narcissist actually misses. They don’t miss your soul the way you might miss them. The narcissist doesn’t attach with that full-hearted, vulnerable kind of love that you know is possible and real. Instead, they attach to the benefits you provided. They may miss your body, your home, your money, the way you listened like a therapist, the way you cooked, cleaned, comforted, and cared. The narcissist may grieve the loss of someone who functioned like a parent, a helper, or a rescuer. But they don’t sit in the dark weeping over your heart; they sit in the dark frustrated over lost advantages.
The emotional wall the narcissist keeps is thick and deliberate. That wall is armor. While you lie awake replaying every conversation and wondering what you did wrong, the narcissist is busy numbing any feelings that might hint at shame or loss. They have learned to block emotions like flipping a switch. Many have admitted it outright: “I just shut it down.” That’s how the narcissist survives—not by healing, not by repenting, not by facing the brokenness inside, but by disconnecting from pain and running toward the next distraction.
When you go no contact, make no mistake: it is a blow to the narcissist’s ego. Even if they have a lineup of other people, the fact that you walked away is still a narcissistic injury. They dislike losing anything, especially not control. The narcissist can’t stand the idea that someone who once cried, begged, or chased can now be strong enough to say, “No more.”
To protect that fragile ego, the narcissist often launches a smear campaign. They spread lies, twist the story, and paint you as crazy, selfish, unstable, or ungrateful—anything to warp the truth before you can tell it. The narcissist thinks, “If I destroy your reputation first, nobody will believe you if you expose what I really am.” In that distorted inner world, how dare you walk away? How dare you refuse to play the role of servant audience or emotional punching bag in the narcissist’s mind? You’re supposed to chase forever, apologize forever, and bleed forever. So, when you refuse, the narcissist rushes toward two things: out of supply and revenge through reputation.
The narcissist may look calm and composed on the surface, but behind the scenes, there’s fear: What if this person tells the truth about me? That fear fuels the smear. Will the narcissist think about you during no contact? Yes, especially when life isn’t going well—when new supply starts pushing back or stops worshiping, when loneliness creeps in and no one is answering the phone, and when sickness, financial pressure, or failure shows up at the door. In those moments, the narcissist may think about the support you provided, the sacrifices you made, and the comfort you gave. But again, the focus is on the loss of supply, not on the preciousness of your heart.
The narcissist might think, “No one else cooks like that. No one else gives like that. No one else lets me get away with that.” They mourn what can’t be easily replaced. Sometimes, if what you provided was rare and powerful—significant money, position, connections, a home, or a kind of emotional care that no one else will tolerate—the narcissist may circle back and try to pull you in again. That’s when the hoovering begins: messages, apologies, fake tears, sudden epiphanies, promises of change, and declarations of “You’re my person,” all crafted to see if your heart is still open enough to be used. Not because the narcissist had a spiritual awakening, but because they are hungry again.
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