It’s the question that haunts survivors long after the narcissist is gone: Did they ever actually love me? It doesn’t sound like much—just a few simple words—but for someone who has poured their heart, soul, and sanity into a relationship built on manipulation, it’s a question that can shatter or liberate, depending on the answer. Victims of narcissistic abuse don’t just lose the relationship; they lose their sense of reality. Nowhere is that more devastating than in the ambiguity of whether it was ever real.
The truth is that the narcissist’s version of love is not just different; it’s dangerous. Understanding why is key to finally freeing yourself from the trauma bond that keeps you circling the wreckage. In today’s article, we will dive into this topic and reveal the truth about this complicated question that plagues so many survivors of narcissistic abuse.
Today, we’re talking about something that so many survivors of narcissistic abuse struggle with: the question, did the narcissist ever really love me? I know that question has plagued me for decades, as I know it has for many of you. To answer this question honestly, you need to first understand some fundamental differences between narcissists and emotionally healthy individuals.
First, it’s important to understand that narcissists love what you do for them, not who you are. Narcissists don’t connect to people in the way that emotionally healthy individuals do. They are emotionally arrested, stuck in a state of development where others exist only as extensions of themselves. What they experience isn’t love; it’s dependency, control, admiration, and utility. When they say, “I love you,” what they often mean is, “I love the way you make me feel about myself.” It’s not your essence they’re attracted to; it’s the mirror you hold up to their ego. The moment that mirror cracks—if you set a boundary, express pain, or become less useful—the illusion collapses.
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