Another question that usually plagues a survivor when contemplating whether the narcissist ever really loved them is: If it was love, then why did it hurt so much? Healthy love doesn’t leave you anxious, confused, or constantly apologizing for existing. It doesn’t require you to shrink, silence yourself, or second-guess every word. The cognitive dissonance created in a narcissistic relationship is so intense that survivors often start defining love by its chaos. They confuse intensity with intimacy and confusion with depth. Unfortunately, this is part of the grooming phase that the narcissist puts you through—an intentional act of conditioning. Narcissists manufacture emotional highs and lows to destabilize your nervous system, creating an addiction to their approval. What you must understand is that this is trauma bonding, not love. So when you ask yourself, “Was it love?” ask instead, “Did this person and the relationship expand me, or did it erase me?” Because real love doesn’t diminish your light; it nurtures it, encourages it, and helps it grow in the most supportive and beautiful ways. That is the furthest thing from what happens to someone in a relationship with a narcissist.
Please, please hear me when I tell you: trauma bonds are not love. They are nowhere close to being love. Another critical aspect to understand is that you loved them more than they could ever love themselves. Here’s the brutal irony: the deep, authentic love you gave the narcissist was something they were never able to give themselves. That’s why they targeted you. Your love was soothing, stabilizing, and even sacred to them—until it wasn’t. Narcissists are often driven by deep shame and self-loathing, even if they don’t show it. Being on the receiving end of real love makes them feel seen, but also deeply vulnerable. They both crave and resent the connection you offered, and eventually, that resentment grows into sabotage. They destroy the very love they begged for—not because it wasn’t real, but because it was. Narcissists can’t give you something they never gave themselves. Even if they desperately want your love, it’s only on their terms and only to fill a void they refuse to face. When real intimacy threatens their illusion of control, they will choose sabotage. Real love terrifies people who are hiding from themselves.
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