Love in the narcissist’s world is highly conditional. It’s not about you; it’s about the function you serve. For normal people like you and me, when we fall in love, we fall in love with the individual: their character, personality, heart, and the depth of who they are as human beings. Narcissists, on the other hand, truly feel and believe that love is the narcissistic supply that you and others provide to them. That is their only understanding of what love is. That’s why the love you receive from them feels conditional and transactional. We have a completely different understanding and belief about what love truly is.
Another very important aspect that you need to understand is that a human being cannot truly experience love for anyone without the ability to feel empathy. Empathy is the foundation of love; it’s what allows us to feel a true connection with someone. Narcissists, particularly those high on the spectrum, lack this crucial wiring. They may mimic empathy early on, using charm and hyper-attunement to hook you during the idealization phase, but this is merely mirroring—strategic, not authentic. Over time, this lack of empathy will become painfully evident. They can betray you, lie to you, or discard you with chilling indifference, and then act as if you are the problem for reacting. True love is incompatible with chronic empathy deficits. What remains is performance, not connection, and that, my friends, is not real love.
Next, narcissists are delusional and live in a fantasy world. One of the most painful realizations for survivors is that the narcissist didn’t fall in love with them; they fell in love with a fantasy version of them. During the love-bombing phase, narcissists project an idealized image onto their partner, casting you as the perfect soulmate, rescuer, adoring fan, or loyal servant. But these roles are scripted. The moment you deviate from the fantasy or show up as a fully flawed human being—as we all are—the narcissist sees it as betrayal. They withdraw affection, become cold, or punish you for not living up to their expectations. You weren’t loved as a person; you were cast as a character in their internal play. Once your character deviated from the version they dreamed up, that, in their eyes, is unforgivable, and you will be written out of the script.
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