You were the emotional incinerator. This is the mechanism of toxic projection. A narcissist is filled with a bottomless well of shame, insecurity, and self-loathing. These feelings are too painful for them to carry, so they need a vessel to dump them into. That vessel was you. Every time they felt small, they raged at you to make you feel small. Every time they felt stupid, they called you incompetent. They regulated their own internal chaos by injecting it into your nervous system. You processed their emotions for them. You cried the tears they could not cry. You felt the shame they refused to feel—which is why I call it alien shame.
But when you leave, there is nowhere for the toxic emotions to go. The projection has no target. The shame, the rage, and the insecurity bounce off the walls and hit the narcissist directly in the face. They begin to drown in their own negative energy, often leading to a rapid psychological spiral. You may see them acting out erratically, turning to substance abuse or engaging in reckless behavior. They’re desperately looking for a new regulator, but until they find one, they’re forced to sit in the fire of their own misery. They decompensate because they have lost the external organ that used to process their pain. You’re like that artificial heart, that artificial kidney, that dialysis process that kept them alive, but you’re gone. The support system is gone. What is this person going to do? They have a limited number of days to live. That’s why they run to something else, the next person, the next thing.
Reason Number Three: Shadow Support – Architect of Their Success
You were the architect of their success, were you not? We can call this shadow support. Think about the daily logistics of their life. How many times did you remind them of appointments? How many times did you help them write that email to their boss so they did not sound arrogant? How many times did you manage the finances, pay the household bills, or take care of the kids so they could focus on their image? Narcissists are lazy; they want the glory without the work. You were the one doing the work. You provided the stability that allowed them to function this way. You were the ground beneath their feet.
And there is nothing wrong with it. I’m not saying you enabled them consciously like other enablers do. You did what a healthy spouse, a healthy kid, or a healthy person is supposed to do: you supported the other person. But that’s what the narcissist took advantage of. Now, when you walked away, the logistics crumbled. The narcissist suddenly was in charge of their own executive functioning and miserably failed. They missed deadlines, forgot important dates, and their house became chaotic when you weren’t there. Their finances fell into disarray. They lost the ability to maintain the facade of the successful, put-together person because the secret manager of that success has quit.
We often see narcissists lose jobs or suffer financial ruin shortly after a divorce or breakup. Why? Because the person who was actually running the show is gone.
When You and The Narcissist Both Stop Contacting — What Happens Next Will Shock You
Reason Number Four: Karmic Shield – The Energetic Buffer
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