Number two knows who they are and the value they bring to a relationship. They are the Identity Maverick. Identity Mavericks are solid in their identity and even more so in their authenticity. Authenticity means that what’s happening on the inside matches what’s going on on the outside. They know their strengths, weaknesses, and needs, and they consider themselves just as valuable as anyone else. Narcissists are anything but authentic; with their false facades and phony exteriors, they work hard to portray an image to others and even to themselves. Although they may come across as arrogant and smug, they actually carry intense shame and a severely fractured identity. They can’t handle genuine, authentic people because, inside, they’re thinking, “Shoot, they’re just going to see right through me.” That’s why they often accuse people of having wrong intentions—they can’t wrap their heads around someone actually being who they say they are. When you are secure in your identity, it becomes nearly impossible for a narcissist to manipulate you.
Number three is best illustrated by Jamie. Jamie was a client of mine years ago who landed her dream job, but that joy quickly faded when she recognized that her boss’s charm and charisma were actually narcissism in disguise. This realization hit her during her second meeting when her boss unveiled a project that was exciting and groundbreaking but blurred ethical lines. Jamie was not comfortable with any of it, so she calmly spoke up during the meeting, challenging her boss’s ethics and explaining how taking a more honorable approach would be more advantageous for everyone involved. Needless to say, her boss was not happy, and her co-workers sat frozen, waiting to see what would happen—until, one by one, each and every one of them raised their concerns. Jamie is the Compassionate Commander. She is highly empathetic but still assertive, and she doesn’t bottle things up until she explodes; rather, she raises issues in a calm and respectful manner. You may be wondering, did Jamie’s boss make the adjustment? No, he didn’t. But he did excuse Jamie from the project and actually admitted to respecting her for speaking up.
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