Autonomy, freedom, peace, and serenity become alien to survivors of narcissistic abuse when the narcissist lives in the same place. We don’t have a safe corner to go to. We may spend a few minutes or hours in the bathroom, but that’s all we get. They disturb us even there. They don’t let us sleep, so we have zero autonomy, freedom, identity, or personality. It’s gone. But when you move into a new space, even a small one-person cube, that can be more than enough. I remember feeling like the first room I rented was my empire, my palace. It was just a small room with a small bed and kitchen, but it felt like peace. Nobody was banging pots, nobody was hitting each other. It was silent. The autonomy and freedom become so alluring to us.
You may struggle with agoraphobia:
The fear of crowded places, small spaces, or being around many people. Maybe you have auditory sensitivity, and loud noises hurt your ears. A lot of people talking at once can be overwhelming. It’s so triggering that you don’t know who to respond to first. The demand for attention can be unbearable. I’ve been there. What is exciting for others may be daunting for you. That’s why I used to avoid malls, theaters, and shopping complexes. Social anxiety and social awkwardness also stop many narcissistic abuse survivors from going out. The origin of these issues is the maltreatment by the narcissist. You were never able to have a proper conversation with them. There was always an error, a problem with your choice of words, tone of voice, or the way you described a situation. It felt like talking to a wall. There was no listening or validation. They silenced and suppressed your voice. This made you anxious about opening your mouth and saying anything. It led to introversion and altered personality. This is my personal experience. There is coherence in my speech now, but in my formative years, I used to stutter a lot. It was not lack of confidence but the presence of terror in my body. My father would mock, slap, or punch me while talking, stopping me from expressing myself. So, your social anxiety and awkwardness come from this trauma. Your survival brain keeps you safe by stopping you from initiating conversations, which can be detrimental but is its way of protecting you.
When at home, narcissistic abuse survivors can control their time:
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