The author in that book describes physical intimacy as one of the foundations for any relationship. If it is absent, the relationship is dying. But in a narcissistic relationship, what do you experience? In the beginning, it may be quite intense, the best you’ve ever had. But then what happens later on? You have to beg for it, crave it. They withhold affection, run away from you as if you are some kind of plague. They don’t want to do anything with you. All of a sudden, you’re not attractive anymore, you’ve gained tons of weight, or you’re too thin, you smell, and what not. Or you get to experience that connection sporadically. They use your body as a toy; it becomes a robotic act. There’s no soul in it. They rub their body against you, so that’s self-masturbation, isn’t it? Yes, you are there, but you don’t feel anything at all. They trauma bond you through that sporadic sexual connection. I call it a sexual trauma bond. That is why I call it a hate language, not a love language.
Hate language number five, and the last one: gift giving.
While the author in that book describes gift giving as a way to show appreciation, to show your partner how much you love them and care about their needs, a narcissist gifts you, but not the good types of gifts. They gift you a ton of physical and mental health issues: depression, anxiety, gut issues, skin issues, autoimmune disorders, cancers, migraines, what not. The list goes on and on. People struggle and suffer from the most horrible conditions because of narcissistic abuse. And that is the gift that you get from the narcissist. When it comes to actually buying things for you, there are always strings attached. Yes, some of them might gift you, but it’s called gift bombing, not gift giving. When they give you a gift, their intention is to intensify love bombing, to make you think, “Oh, everything is okay. If this person didn’t love me, why would they get me an expensive ring? Why would they get me this expensive purse or dress?” To cause cognitive dissonance, to remain in your good books, and to create a sense of obligation. “I gift you something big, and then suppress your desire to have boundaries, to make you feel obligated. It’s like, okay, I gave you this, now you have to do what I ask you to do.” It’s always transactional; there is always an ulterior motive. So, there is no actual gift giving.
The other possibility is they may give you something, but the meaning of that something would be abusive. For example, a dress they know is not your size. You need one size larger or smaller, and it won’t fit you properly. Then you try it on, and they’ll act like, “Oh, I thought you had lost some weight and it would fit you, but I didn’t know you were still fat.” Or they’ll pass a very sarcastic comment like that. They’ll joke about it, put you down like that. “It’s fine, I’ll gift it to my coworker or my sister or my mother.” That’s what they will say just to compare you with somebody and make you feel like you’re not good enough. You don’t deserve that gift, just to take out the joy. But this is not a direct attack; this is an example of abuse that comes from a covert narcissist. It will leave you thinking, “Yes, probably I am too fat. I need to lose weight. It’s not his or her mistake; they got me the gift. It’s my body. It’s fine. Okay, I’ll bear anything.” That is what happens when they gift bomb you or when they gift you these horrible things.
The biggest gift from a narcissist is grief: the grief of loss of time, the grief of loss of connection with your children, with yourself, with your friends and family, the grief of your youth, the grief of lost opportunities, the grief of the life you thought you would live with them, the grief of a relationship that never existed, the grief of living a lie. So, these are your gifts from the narcissist, my dear narcissistic abuse survivor. And the only way to get over all of this is to just process the pain, let go, and never go back.
The narcissist’s birthday obsession
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