Have you ever been caught off guard by someone’s defensiveness or even aggressive reaction to what you thought was a mild comment or even something neutral? This is our final clue for spotting a narcissist in a conversation: a pronounced sensitivity to criticism. Interestingly, for narcissists, even the absence of complete compliance or wholehearted agreement can be misconstrued as judgment or criticism. Narcissists often operate under a binary perception of interactions: you’re either with them or you’re against them. And this mindset leads to a scenario where deviations from their views or simply offering a different perspective can trigger a defensive or aggressive response. Even a neutral comment or a question intended to clarify can be perceived as an attack. When you’re an empathetic person, you’ll naturally pick up on this sensitivity, and you might unconsciously avoid saying anything to trigger it. But this isn’t a healthy strategy because you need to be willing to share your point of view so that you can pay attention to how they handle it. You miss valuable information if you avoid conflict. I remember being on a date with a different narcissist where I mentioned that I loved yoga, and the guy looked at me like I had just insulted his mother. He said, ‘You don’t do that whole om-ing thing at the end, do you? That’s satanic.’ Back then, I didn’t recognize the red flag or how important it was for me to speak up at that point so that I could get a clear assessment of who I was dealing with. Instead of staying true to myself, I just gave an ambiguous reply so I wouldn’t upset him. What started off as a small compromise to avoid conflict evolved into a pattern that dominated our relationship, ultimately costing me years of my life where I silenced my own voice to keep the peace. It was a hard lesson in the importance of standing firm in my values and the dangers of letting someone else’s reactions dictate the terms of our relationship.
When you’re navigating a conversation with someone who seems to see disagreement as a personal attack, it’s crucial to have a strategy that tests their openness to other perspectives without triggering defensiveness. The perspective check is designed precisely to do this. Our empathy is important, but too much of it can cause us to prioritize other people’s voices over our own. The perspective check isn’t just a skill to check for potential narcissists; it’s a tool for every conversation. It’ll help you remain present and heard so that you can embody your empathetic nature without losing yourself in the process. Start by expressing your own experience or belief in a gentle way, followed by an invitation for the other person’s perspective. You could say something like, ‘I really love the Avett Brothers. What kind of music do you like?’ Then, carefully watch how they respond to your sharing. Are they listening and engaging with respect? Are they too eager to agree? You’ll cover that red flag in a future episode. Or are they dismissive or perhaps even belittling? You’re looking for someone who is at ease having their own perspective without needing to conform to your idea or being threatened by a different opinion. Mastering the perspective check is essential for anyone, especially those of us with high empathy, to make sure that we don’t lose sight of our own voice.
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