When a narcissist gaslights you, their purpose is not merely to lie to you. It’s not as simple as that. It’s not just about concealing facts that can be uncovered. Their main purpose is to distort your reality, change your emotions towards their actions, your actions, the relationship, and the world in general. For what purpose? They want you to believe you are not seeing things correctly, you are feeling the wrong feelings, and you should give them a free pass because they have done nothing wrong. If anyone is at fault, it’s you. That’s how they hijack your brain. It’s not just a thought you think; it’s a total somatic state, a bodily state that one experiences, which traumatizes them to their core.
Lie number one: This is the biggest lie among all lies they tell you: “We are equally responsible for any conflict or problem in the relationship. It takes two to tango, two hands to clap.” They make it seem like this is a healthy relationship where partners have problems with each other due to conflicts of interest or other issues. They apply the dynamics of a healthy relationship to a totally rotten one where they are the perpetrator, the only abuser, and you are the victim. You must remember, abuse is never a victim’s fault. However, they twist it so much that you believe, “Oh yeah, I screamed, I yelled, I cussed, I did this, I did that, I was also out of control, I also gave them silent treatment,” when you were just taking a pause, emotionally numb. Your brain starts counting all the things you have done, which were genuine, biologically correct responses to their abuse. We call it a reaction to their abuse, not even reactive abuse. You were not abusive. Those thoughts convince you that you must take responsibility as well. You’re not a saint. Unfortunately, in the process of taking responsibility for things you have not done, you are not able to hold them accountable. They make you lose credibility and escape easily. Then, they want to end it on good terms and move on with their life, gifting you a guilty conscience that you also destroyed the relationship. When it was them who cheated on you, harassed you physically, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes sexually, when this person made it seem like they would make your life a heaven but ended up turning it into a blazing hell, whose fault is it? Yours? Of course not. You have been consistent, predictable. Who became unpredictable? Them. The narcissist, of course. Then how is it your fault? A narcissistic relationship is a special type of relationship where it does not take two to tango; it takes only one person to set everything on fire. Why did you end up giving them so many chances, and they made it seem like they were going to take you back, be merciful towards you, accepting your apology when you had done nothing wrong? You just didn’t want them to leave you. Why do you feel it’s your responsibility to fix it and sort it out when they never put in the same efforts? Suddenly, when it comes to taking responsibility, they don’t want to feel ashamed; they want partners in it. If there’s anything good, they’ll take the credit, making it seem like it happened because of them. But if there’s something bad, it’s because of you. If undeniable proof against them arises, they’ll make it seem like you both did it and must be punished equally. In my opinion, the fair case is you should get 90% of it for all the damage they caused and 100% custody of the kids because they are a monster, not even a parent, just loving the role of a Disneyland dad or mom, spending a little time torturing you or them. It’s called post-separation abuse. They keep fighting you until they get a big reaction to prove in court that you are the crazy one. You can’t be amicable, cooperative, understanding, open, and expect the same from your narcissistic co-parent. You need a strategy in place, and I teach that in depth in my master co-parenting with a narcissist program. I help you understand how to use a narcissist’s traits against them so you can begin healing and help your children heal as well after cornering the narc. I give you practical tools to talk to your children properly, deal with them in the court system, find your lawyer, and devise a plan to increase your chances of winning. If you want instant access, click the button above or the link in the description of this episode and become a master at co-parenting with them.
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