Now that you’re free from that narcissist, you are trying to manage your inner clutter by decluttering your surroundings. Your over-cleaning is an attempt to rid yourself of the shame and embarrassment that the narcissist projected onto you. You are organizing and reorganizing because there is a lack of organization within; you may be dealing with confusion or cognitive dissonance. Part of you knows you should move on, while another part is still stuck with the narcissist and the good memories, leading to inner conflict.
To overcome this rift and become whole again, you’re attempting to create a proper environment for yourself. While this may help to some degree, when it becomes an obsession, it may lead you to question whether you have OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). You might wonder, “What’s wrong with me? I was never like this. Why can’t I let go?” The truth is, you can’t let go not because you have OCD, but because you are in so much pain that you don’t know how else to cope. This is your coping mechanism: cleaning your surroundings is an effort to experience cleansing within.
The only way to achieve that is to sit with yourself. I know it’s difficult, and you may have heard this before, but you need to notice the emotions you are experiencing. What comes up for you? What are you trying to grieve or declutter? Is it anger or resentment? What are you sad about? What do you want to change in your life? What are you trying to achieve by spending so much time organizing and cleaning your surroundings?
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